oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
