I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
