u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
literally had 100 drinks last night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
