All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
