why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
