You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I smell like Dick and happiness
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
