Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
