Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
