I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.