meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet