i love accidental penises.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
