You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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