some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
