An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
