the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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