I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
