I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
