remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
