Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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