Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Boobs speak an international language.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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