i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
