she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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