so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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