The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
