What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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