I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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