the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
