Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
