Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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