Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
