Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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