That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
sarcasm needs its own font
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
