My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
