If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
