These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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