She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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