is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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