just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
