I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
