I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
