I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
