you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
is this the sara with the beer cane?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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