you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Is it penis luge time yet?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
