Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
