if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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