you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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