I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
