u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
