I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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