I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
