We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
