Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
