His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
