if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
