I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
