I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
