she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
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it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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