she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
