yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
