I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
