i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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