Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
